Make myself sick.

After blowing through my May Book Club read in three days I wanted something to tide me over until the next book was selected. With three comment suggestions for Fifty Shades of Grey, I knew it must be something.

For those who have not read it, I can sum it up with three words = Christian. Ana. Sex.

I’m now blushing…and on the second instalment of the Fifty Shades trilogy, which thankfully is less smut and more love.

Cue sickness.

Yes, I’m positive that I may be the only person to turn an erotica novel into a love story, but there is something about the smouldering and dark Christian Grey that makes my heart ache.

I’ve mentioned I love broken/damaged men, right?

And then it made me think. Think so hard that I couldn’t sleep last night.

Where do I, Laura Elizabeth Bridgman, find my own Christian Grey? (minus the Red Room of Pain – a tickle trunk will suffice). The right mixture of intimate and carnal. Intelligent and romantic. Does this man exist for me? Though it is far too sobering to speak aloud, I have often contemplated the spinster lifestyle; what happens if I end up the crazy cat lady who loves so deeply but is alone? All alone.

I know her. I know the lifestyle. My life has a few of them. I can’t think of an answer to that question. I just think.

I’m not writing this for you to tell me I’m young and I’ll meet someone, or, who cares about a man and plans. Personally, I don’t believe there is someone out there for everyone. I don’t think everyone has a fairytale romance or a happily ever after. People end up alone. I also hope that I will be one of those lucky ones that doesn’t, since the thought of it makes my insides jump around in fear.

Can you believe it? The self-admitted occasional love cynic, does still believe in it. I’m in a love daydream reading about Christian Grey and I’m okay with it (to a point). At the moment, I’m very open to the thought of love and letting my guard down. I may actually be encouraging it. What’s up with me?

Actually this isn’t my fault. If you suggested I read Fifty Shades of Grey, I blame you.


5 responses to “Make myself sick.”

  1. Debbish says :

    I keep hearing about this book so I really must read it!

    But I can completely sympathise with your worries, and don’t worry I won’t tell you it will all be okay – even if it probably will.

    I’m now 44 and still single. I kept thinking ‘it’ would happen – I’d meet someone, fall in love, have a family etc, but it didn’t. It hasn’t. I guess I still hope that I do meet someone.

    I’ve overanalysed the situation over the years: have I been too fussy; or have I not been open to a relationship; or is it just because I’ve been overweight and felt unworthy? Not sure. But I haven’t even met anyone that I’ve wanted to be with.

    I know that when I’ve been overweight (as I still am now) I don’t feel attractive. I wonder how any man would be attracted to me (unless they were someone I wouldn’t like anyway!?!).

    I suspect I’ve been living a bit too much in my own head, if that makes sense. I hope that changes and I do find someone, but time is limited (and precious).

    But don’t stress too much – there’s still time and I only know you via your blog, Twitter etc, but you seem like a lovely and sane young woman – though I’m not too sure about the tickle trunk… 😉

    My only advice to you would be to be open to a relationship. Most of my friends settled down in the late 20s – early 30s. A few friends my age did the online thing and are now happily settled with men they met through dating sites.

    I hope one day I’m writing in my blog/s about some fabulous romance….

    PS. Sorry this got so long and blithery!

  2. Krista* says :

    I’ve heard a lot about this book lately… I must read it 😉

    Open yourself up. Be yourself through and through. The best kind of love comes when you’re not looking for it! 🙂

  3. Debbish says :

    Laura – just read another post that reminded me a bit of yours….


  4. Katie says :

    I agree with both of you! I am single and in love with Christian Grey. I want to find my own CG. But I am overweight also and know that Chrisitan loved Ana, a tiny little thing and no real life CG would want to be with someone like me. This sounds like such a boo-hoo post but i’ve actually been depressed and crying since reading this story. And thought i’d share my thoughts!

    • Sue says :

      Don’t be sad. It is his qualities, making you feel safe, wanting you, loving and cherishing you, taking control, somewhat sexual THOSE qualities is what are real. A rich, helicopter owning man with perfect physique and looks is not. So I am overweight after two kids too and married to a very overweight man. The physical changes and unless you have the luxury of time and money it is difficult to work out enough to have that type of body. So it comes down to your personality. Feel sexy, feel vulnerable. Christian Grey knew importance of respecting body and being healthy and stamina that is what he wanted for Ana. Think like Ana, respect your body eat healthy from this point on. Start exercising with the little things, that is what I am doing walking or anything you enjoy, just do it, get more stamina. You will start to feel sexier, healthier. Zumba has helped me. Look I am still overweight have long way to go but I feel different. That is what you need to do and it will come through in your personality and how you are around people and men. DO IT NOW. Start today. Feel like Ana now. Inside I bet you feel like her, right? No diet just healthy eating. Don’t put it in your mouth unless it is good for your body, protein, fruit, fiber, much less carbs, more water. That’s it.

      I have a husband but was depressed because I felt I wanted to go back in time and find a Christian Grey. I married my best friend, felt secure, dependent, but physical attraction and passion was never there and it took these books for me to realize it after all these years. SO what I am doing now is trying to do these things to feel better. Trying to get my husband to read the books which he won’t right now, so it is very frustrating. I am googling and reading tips on what I can do to change things and bring some of this to our marriage. I am not giving up yet, too many years invested and two wonderful children so feel like I can’t just cast him aside and start over. I realize that my husband did have some of the Christian qualities, but need to try and bring some of them more forward especially in bedroom, which has been no sex for quite some time, knee replacement and other issues haven’t helped that. Feel scared, awkward, but I am going to try. He doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have a wife who wants to do this, I’m fun, I want to be sexual. Somehow I need him to see me this way or want to have sex again. I bet there are many men in their 50’s who would love to have a wife like me who wants to do this stuff just wish he could see this.

      So you have a chance here to make things happen for yourself. You will never find a perfect guy but maybe a guy with some of these Christian qualities or who is open minded to try some fun stuff and who would read the books. Go out there get involved. Join every group under the sun. Do you have hobbies??? There is usually a group for it. Go on for your area and find groups to join and go girl. Be yourself, be sexy, be a little Ana in your mindset and go out there and have fun. Join community theatre groups, outdoors groups get out there. Say yes to everything, go go go enjoy life and it will happen for you.
      Hope I helped.

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